[memes] The Broccoli Test

[whyareyoulikethis]

Gather ‘round, children! It’s Fandom Storytime!

Once upon a time, long ago, when people were into The Professionals fandom- this was when dinosaurs roamed the earth and people still made vids with VCRs and shit- two fangirls were in a grocery store in California. They were on opposite ends of the produce section. One fangirl wanted the other fangirl to get broccoli, but didn’t want to yell, “HEY GIRL HEY GET SOME BROCCOLI YO," because that’s obnoxious.

And lo, there were broccoli charades (“You want me to pick up a nuclear bomb? Some testicles? What? What is that hand motion?") but it didn’t take (“You thought I was miming balls? Seriously? What’s wrong with you?"). When they finally reconvened, the first fangirl grumped that if it had been Doyle and Bodie of the Professionals going grocery shopping, Doyle would have been able to tell Bodie to get broccoli with the merest flick of an eyebrow instead of having to flap his hands like a drunk hummingbird. And thus the broccoli test was born.

“Passing the broccoli test" became fandom shorthand for the couple that could convey everything from “Don’t order the chicken here, it sucks" to “I love you and want to have your babies but I’m still too pent up by heteronormative standards of masculinity to act on it- wait for me!" in a single significant eye-fucking glance.

That said, failing the broccoli test doesn’t make your OTP less T; plenty of pairings fail the broccoli test with flying colors. I’m thinking of Ray Kowalski and Fraser from Due South, who only nailed the silent communication thing after they rode in a submarine and stole a Canadian pirate ship with Leslie Nielsen.


I’d really like some broccoli. Also, buttsex.


The broccoli test is an old school meme that hasn’t made the rounds in a while, so we here at Fanspastic thought it was time to revisit it with some new pairings.




1. Dean/Castiel (Supernatural)




The broccoli test would be a challenge for Dean and Cas. Dean because I'm pretty sure he goes straight to the frozen corn dog section every time and wouldn't know how to find broccoli with a TomTom. Cas because he's the Mork to Dean's Mindy only with a trench coat and even more obtuse people skills.

Dean: Hey, Cas! Can you get some broccoli?
Castiel: [stares]
Dean: [points] You know, broccoli, the green thingy.
Castiel: [stares more]
Dean: [louder] Over there!
Castiel: [on cell phone] Hello, Dean. What were you trying to communicate to me?
Dean: [also on cell phone, sighs] You're only 10 feet away, Cas, you don't need to- we've talked about this. Never mind.
Castiel: I love you as well.

Grade: F

But don't worry Dean and Cas, let's face it, Sam probably does all the Winchester grocery shopping anyway.

2. Peter/Neal (White Collar)




The trust between Neal and Peter is one of the central tenets of White Collar as a show, and as a result, these two are the master of the loaded, mind-reading glance.

Neal: (smiles sweetly)
Peter: What's wrong with you?
Neal: Nothing!
Peter: No. Something is different.
Neal: I don't know what you're talking about.
Peter: Is that -- why Neal, are you wearing a shirt off the rack?
Neal: It's the recession.
Peter: This is a sign.
Neal: You're going to start paying me?
Peter: (studies Neal) Somehow, this means you want broccoli. I don't know why I know that, but I can feel it.
Neal: Peter!
Peter: Elizabeth is already steaming some. Let's go. My dog's not going to walk himself.

Grade: B+ (We're knocking half a grade off for Neal's bored attempts at shoplifting broccoli.)


3. Arthur/Merlin (Merlin)




Arthur and Merlin should automatically fail the broccoli test because, like tomatoes, they are historically inaccurate. Oh wait.

In the spirit of the meme, though, Arthur and Merlin do have their moments of tacit, eyesexing communication. But considering it's been two seasons and Arthur still hasn't figured out that his manservant is a wizard, I don't know how'd they'd do here. In fact, they'd probably get attacked by a malicious vegetable fairy who has it in for Arthur for handwaved reasons before they could even take the broccoli test:

Vegetable Fairy: [crap CGI]
Merlin: [blatantly uses magic, accidentally destroys store]
Arthur: WHAT HAPPENED? THIS IS SO AMAZING.
Merlin: [sad]
Manager of Ye Olde Piggly Wiggly: We're going to have to ask you to leave.

Grade: Incomplete



Who did we miss? Put your pairings up to the test, fanspasticers!

Comments

[serrico]

*DIIIIIIIIIIIES*

A+ report! A. +. :D

[fakeplasticsnow]

HEEEE! Loved this. Aw, Dean/Cas. <3

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

Morgana and Gwen, however, would pass the broccoli test with flying colors, as well as managing to not accidentally set them on fire while cooking them (which you know Merlin would absolutely do).

Also, I would like to state for the record that I believe Uther and Gaius would also pass... but not, for me personally, because of sex.

[ciaan]

Morgana and Gwen would indeed both totally pass.

[lefaym]

I'm trying to work out Jack and Ianto from Torchwood:



I've come to the conclusion that Ianto gets an A+ (he buys Jack broccoli before Jack even realises he needs it) and Jack gets a D- -- he almost NEVER picks up on the signals Ianto's giving him, except for that one time in Countrycide where they have an entire conversation with their eyes. That's the only reason Jack doesn't fail outright. Most of the time though, if Ianto wants broccoli, Jack doesn't even notice until a week after it's ceased to be relevant.

[elwinfortuna]

Ianto would totally know what Jack wants even before Jack does. Jack, on the other hand, would look vaguely confused at Ianto's signals, then the doubt would clear and he would appear to understand Ianto's subtle gestures. He would then buy lube.

"I thought you were miming sex!"

"You always think I'm miming sex!"

Here via metafandom

[pin-drop.livejournal.com]

Probably no one in here even knows about my fandom (The Devil Wears Prada, the movie). Nevertheless, I want to play.

Miranda, on cell phone: Also, stop at that place that sells groceries and get me that green vegetable which no one likes.

Andrea: *Buys zucchini*

Grade: F

Alternatively:

Nigel: I hope white's good. You did say primavera, didn't you?

Miranda, peevishly: Eventually, yes. I sent Andrea shopping this afternoon, but she seems to have forgotten to buy fully half of the vegetables which were on the list I gave her. Emily's getting them now. I don't know why it's so difficult for that girl to run a simple errand, it's not as though I'd asked --

Nigel: I stopped and picked up some broccoli on the way here. Will that work?

Grade: A+

[tears-of-nienna.livejournal.com]

Hey, now! The Pros fandom is still kicking...which is good, because if I'd discovered it last year with no outlet for the ensuing cracked-out fanfiction ideas, I'd be even crazier than I am. :D

And this broccoli test, I agree wholeheartedly with it. Hell, Bodie's eyebrow alone could convey a thousand different things, most of them delightfully kinky. ;)

....And now I must run off to check out that Crack Van post. *glee*

[insilhouette]

Here via metafandom. I love this test! Of course, it makes me think of the scene in Doctor Who series 4 when the Doctor and Donna fail the broccoli test epically. Or win. I'm not quite sure.

[thismaz]

Here from metafandom.
Wonderful. Loved Dean/Castiel and Arthur/Merlin.

[iambickilometer]

This is my new favourite fandom meme. Yes. I loved the Peter/Neal one especially.

I think that Kirk/McCoy would fail spectacularly, because Kirk wouldn't even bother trying, and McCoy would ignore and unspoken requests for broccoli on principle. Whereas Spock/Uhura would at least get a C for effort, because they would try to understand each other, and Spock would end up with sandwiches and Uhura would get potatoes. Of course, my sadly-neglected pairing of choice wouldn't fare too much better --

Sulu: I thought we banned drunken charades after that one time.
Kirk: [mimes broccoli shapes]
Sulu: Really? You want to pick up chicks in the middle of the supermarket? I'd say your standards are dropping, but then again, it's you.

Ooh, and then we could get into comics fandom. Captain America and Iron Man... would probably pass, actually. Or rather, they'd get the broccoli right.

Tony: So we need to run by the supermarket.
Cap: But broccoli is out of season!
Tony: They import it from South America now.
Cap: How is that supporting American industry?
Tony: This is the economy of the future!

And then they end up getting something else anyway.

I could go on. This is really, really fun. (And, er, sorry for turning up on your journal and ranting excitedly at you. Apparently other people also liked this post, and linked it on their journals.)

[executrix]

From Blakes7:

BLAKE: AVON! I was waiting for the broccoli!


GRADE: MORE Fs THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT

[cesy]

*giggle*

[ciaan]

Your commentary on Arthur and Merlin is HILARIOUS. And also totally TRUE.

I was thinking that Neal would absolutely understand that Peter wanted broccoli, he would just refuse to buy the crappy broccoli in the tacky supermarket Peter had dragged him to and insist they go somewhere else to buy organic gourmet broccoli. Peter would get too annoyed at Neal's explanation and just drag him home, where Elizabeth would be already serving broccoli. So then it was great to see your last part there be the same!

[azurelunatic]

*giggling helplessly*

Mulder: Maybe the corn can tell us about the crop circles!
Scully: Mulder. We are in the STORE. You are *not* interrogating the *vegetables*.
Mulder: *puppydog eyes*
Scully: *put-upon sigh*
Mulder: Hey Scully, did you want to pick up a cucumber?

Grade: C-, because the cucumbers were right next to the broccoli, and there's going to be pegging back in the hotel room if they play their cards right.

[lady_ganesh]

I had totally forgotten about this test! This post is hilarious.

Almost none of my OTPs would pass the test. Hakkai and Gojyo would, but that's just because Hakkai would have already picked up every vegetable known to mankind as well as everyone's favorite brand of cigarettes, even though he disapproves of the habit, of course....

[rheasilvia]

I love the broccoli test! :-) And I think each OTP should get to do it both ways around - sometimes A can signal to B more effectively than B can signal to A.

Some months back I tested my current OTP, Taguchi Junnosuke and Nishikido Ryo of JE (KAT-TUN and MEWS/K8)... twice, so both got the chance to demand broccoli.

(The original post was here. With bonus poll on whether they passed or not. *g*)

The Broccoli Conundrum: Junno and Ryo

Part 1: Junno

Ryo's picking out a nice piece of ginger when he catches motion from the corner of his eye. Junno… Junno, standing in line over by the checkout, waving madly in Ryo's direction.

Stupidly, Ryo can't prevent himself from throwing a quick glance behind himself. Where there's only a mound of knobby roots, of course, and some spring onions and leeks off to the side, none of which seem likely to respond to Junno's signals. Next to Ryo, a couple of women are picking out sweet potatoes; neither of them are looking Junno's way, either.

When Ryo looks back at Junno, the dork's grinning broadly, and then proceeds to roll his eyes in that annoying "you're so silly" way that never fails to make Ryo scowl.

What!

Junno points towards Ryo and then off to the side, and then follows up with a one-handed gesture that, that looks – but, no. Seriously, no way does he mean what it looks like he means. Not in the middle of a supermarket, with people all around! He wouldn't…

But Junno's rolling his eyes again, with more emphasis than before to reach "wow you are super-silly" levels. Ryo feels vaguely flustered and not-so-vaguely confused. Seriously, what the fuck!

Junno steps away from the shopping cart and dips down a little, back straight, knees bent. Then, abruptly, he jumps up like he's on a spring, arms shooting up over his head and out. His elbows stick out sharply as he brings his hands together over his head; he's gesturing to indicate something like – a broad head, or top, or – branches sticking out –

Oh – right! Broccoli.

Ryo turns to find the broccoli and looks straight into the astonished stare of a near-by shopper. She looks like someone's mom, and she's clutching a small pumpkin to her chest with the air of someone who has completely forgotten what she was doing before people around her started going insane.

Everyone in the produce section is staring at Junno, and by extension at Ryo, and so – Ryo is certain – is every single other person in the entire damn store.

Ryo grabs several stalks of broccoli (almost dropping his ginger in the process) and flees. He loiters safely out of sight by the dried fish for a minute or two before he's rallied enough to join Junno at the checkout.

He can still feel the weight of the stares from all around; he hardly dares to lift his eyes from their groceries. He's sure he's flushed red as a beet.

Junno, of course, is happily babbling about some computer game, and how he wants Ryo to show him how to make takoyaki, and if they have enough of that really nice wine left for the weekend or if they should stop by Shinkawa on their way home.

"Why'd you do that weird jumping up thing, anyway?" Ryo grumbles once they've escaped the store at last. "Broccoli doesn't shoot up from the ground like some kind of rocket. That's more like – uhm. Asparagus. Or spring onions. Or stuff."

Junno shrugs and grins. "You got it, didn't you? Just be glad I didn't want bamboo shoots."



Part 2: Ryo

Ryo's never going shopping at this time of day ever again. Turns out every single housewife in Tokyo has decided she needs to shop in this store, on this day, at this exact point in time… which is unfortunately also the time that Ryo has discovered the fridge is as empty as an extremely empty thing, and that it shares that trait with every shelf in the kitchen.

So now Ryo's going to grow old and frail at this damn counter just because Junno wants fish. Ryo doesn't even *like* fish. And where is the dork, anyway?

Aha – over by the mushrooms. Talking to a complete stranger, who seems to be explaining the merits of all the different types, to Junno's rapt and wide-eyed attention. Great, he's probably going to forget all about the broccoli and come back with more shiitake and maitake and bunashimeji than they'll be able to eat in a month.

Of course, that's the moment in which it occurs to Ryo that he kind of forgot to mention the broccoli.

Ryo stares at Junno, willing him to look over. It takes a while because the mushroom expert is now holding up several packets of mushrooms and pointing out something or other to Junno, who appears totally riveted. But it's not like Ryo hasn't got time to spare, and eventually the mushroom lady stops chatting up other people's boyfriends and moves on.

She isn't even buying any mushrooms, as Ryo can't help but notice.

Junno looks up and smiles at Ryo, gives him a little wave. Ryo smiles back, mouthes "broccoli", and points at the broccoli with his chin. Or rather, points in the direction in which he suspects there might be broccoli, even if he can't see any from where he's standing.

The confusion on Junno's face is plain to see, and only increases when Ryo repeats the soundless "broccoli" even more exaggeratedly.

Fuck – now the lady in line in front of Ryo is giving him the hairy eyeball, looking from him to Junno and back again with barely concealed curiosity.

Oh, screw it.

Ryo glares at Junno and turns away to dig out his cellphone. His face feels hot, and he concentrates on his phone and refuses to glance up in case the other people waiting in line are looking at him weirdly. *Broccoli! Get broccoli, not loads of mushrooms. Idiot!*

A few seconds later, Junno's digging his own cellphone from his pocket. He glances at the display and beams at Ryo briefly before he flips the phone open to read; then, he makes an exaggerated "a-ha!"-gesture – complete with pinging a finger against his head as the light inside comes on – mouthes "broccoli!", and bounds off.

The line in front of Ryo extends into eternity. The smell of the fish lying on ice behind the counter is beginning to make him feel queasy. To distract himself, he decides to make another important point. *Also, don't flirt with strange women like that, what did you think you were doing?*

*You're so cute, Ryo-chan!* Junno texts back irrelevantly. *Get some shrimp too.*

Ryo gets some shrimp, too.

When they finally make it to the checkout, Junno cannily attempts to hide a metric ton of mushrooms underneath a bag of senbei. Junno's canniness needs a lot of work; Ryo gives him an appropriately disgusted look, and Junno smiles brightly and unabashedly and flutters his lashes, and Ryo heaves a long-suffering sigh and resigns himself to mushrooms morning, noon and night for the foreseeable future.

"That was cheating, you know," Junno opines later. "You wimped out, using the cellphone like that. Totally against the rules. Next time you'll have to use sign language, or morse code, or –"

"There are no rules, twerp," Ryo says firmly. "Only results count. I wanted broccoli and I got broccoli, which means I win at life, so shut up."

Junno laughs at him. In the end, Ryo has to resort to more creative measures to get him to shut up, but hey. Whatever works.

[readingz]

Gosh. I have no idea who this guys are but this is awesome.

[cygna_hime]

(Here from metafandom, only mildly dead from laughter.)

Oh, god this is hilarious. And far too much fun to do.

Tidus and Yuna: this is hard to score, because while Tidus might in fact correctly guess that Yuna wants broccoli (though she won't say so, because she knows other people don't like it and it's not that important to her) once their gazes had actually met, the intervening space is likely to be occupied by other people who pick up on the look and grab the broccoli while Tidus is still guessing, since he didn't even know Yuna liked broccoli. C, maybe, since he *would* get it, just not as fast.


Blue Beetle: So, what are we going to do tonight, Booster?
Booster Gold: *significant look toward the vegetable drawer*
Beetle: ...Booster? Cue?
Booster: Oh, right, sorry. The same thing we do every night, Beetle! Try not to turn dinner into charcoal!
Beetle: Right! Wait...you're under the control of a horrible vegetable monster, aren't you?
Hijinks: *ensue*
Booster: How did you know?
Beetle: I kept getting the weirdest feeling you wanted broccoli or something, but you told me they don't even have broccoli when you're from!
Booster: True. (It might be nice to try, though...)
Grade: B, because Beetle will never believe that anyone could want to try broccoli, so Booster will never actually get to know its...broccoli-ness. And a good thing too!

Hakkai: (um, hypothesizing that for some reason unbeknownst to all, also sundry, he thinks letting someone else do the shopping would be a good idea) *smiles*
Gojyo: Suddenly, I have the strangest feeling that if I don't buy broccoli they will never find my body.
Hakkai: *smiles* Have fun.
Gojyo: Look, I told you, that wasn't what it looked like!
Hakkai: *smiles* Of course not.
Gojyo: Look, I'll be back in ten minutes with broccoli and, I dunno, something else green. Ten minutes. I swear.
Hakkai: *smiles* See you.
Gojyo: I resent that!
Grade: A+, mostly because people who cannot pass the broccoli test with Hakkai either a)have never conversed with him or b)are dead for reasons that may or may not be related to failure to purchase broccoli.

This is far too much fun.

[stultiloquentia]

Ahaha, win.

Buffy: *does a dance in front of the artichokes*
Angel: *brings her broccoli*
Buffy: But...I don't like broccoli. Neither do you.
Angel: Yes.

[thatyourefuse]

Bweeheeheeheeehee.

Somehow, all of my very favorite pairings seem to end with "... and then the store burns down."

[carose59]

I wrote this a couple of years ago for Wiseguy.

Sonny: Where's the broccoli?
Vinnie: You mean, you really wanted me to get some?
Sonny: I told you to buy broccoli. I wrote it on the list, and I gave you half a grand, and you come home with--what is this, a bag of ice cream? You hit Baskin-Robbins?
Vinnie: I thought the broccoli was a symbol.
Sonny: Yeah, it was a symbol of what we were having for dinner tonight, broccoli cheese casserole. You didn't get the cheese, either, did you?
Vinnie: I thought that you telling me to get broccoli meant that we could finally talk about this fucked-up relationship we have!
Sonny: I don't know what you're talking about, but now you're not getting anything for dinner. And your ice cream is all melted.

[cesy]

I love this post and all the comments.

Here via metafandom

[dracothelizard]

Well, my main OTP (for Top Gear, so it's RPF) is more of an OT3 for all three presenters, Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson and James May.

While the three presenters are good friends and do get each other, they're not going to admit to that. Clearly, if the three of them went to grocery store, they would all find out they all wanted broccoli, but they'd want one of the others to get it for them. None of them are going to give in and get the broccoli first. I think it'd be along the lines of:

JEREMY: "You want broccoli, both of you, don't you? Well, I'm not going to buy it. You can buy it yourself."
RICHARD: "Who said anything about wanting to buy broccoli? I don't want broccoli. Maybe you want broccoli but you don't want to admit to it."
JEREMY: "I'm not the one who's keen on broccoli, you two are."
Meanwhile, James sneakily deposits some broccoli in Jeremy's shopping basket when he is too busy arguing with Richard. When he's paying, Jeremy spends some time talking about how he didn't put the broccoli in there at all and didn't even want it, but now that it's in there he may as well pay for it because he can't be bothered putting it back, and is secretly quite relieved one of the others got it anyway.

And then they bicker over what kind of dish they're going to make with the broccoli,

Re: Here via metafandom

[minoanmiss]

I just started watching Top Gear. OMG, so true.

[puckling]

lolz and lolz and lolz

[spatz]

I would just like to say: Sherlock Holmes and Watson have canonical broccoli. There's a whole scene at the beginning of

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I would just like to say: Sherlock Holmes and Watson have canonical broccoli. There's a whole scene at the beginning of <a href"http://sherlock-holmes.classic-literature.co.uk/the-resident-patient/">The Resident Patient</a> that basically goes like this:

Watson: [thinks quietly]
Holmes: Yes, I quite agree.
Watson: Exactly, it's-- WTF?!?
Holmes: Didn't I tell you that I was practically psychic? Really, Watson.
Watson: I am impressed!
Holmes: *yawn* Want to go for a walk arm in arm?

I rest my case. :) Watson is less detailed in his understanding of Holmes, but he's constantly playing along with his charades mid-case, with only the slightest hint to guide him.

Movie Holmes and Watson are different matter. Sometimes they have broccoli, sometimes they deliberately start throwing tomatoes at each other.

[rabidsamfan]

*howls with glee* Oh, you are so right. And with the Granada Holmes David Burke's Watson will stand looking baffled (quite deliberately) in the vegetable aisle until Jeremy Brett's Holmes gets impatient and begins doing the "Dancing Men" dance, while Edward Hardwicke's Watson will have already picked up the broccoli, the asparagus, the rutabagas and the brussel sprouts.

[snowrose]

Made of Win

[amber]

driveby delicious drop-in to say: THIS IS THE GREATEST POST. I may have to apply the broccoli test to everything, and the pairings you've done are hilariously perfect (uh I'm not even in SPN fandom and I cracked up at that one.) this whole thing is so magical even Arthur would notice.

[amberdiceless]

Interesting! The problem I see, though, is that there are some couples I'm pretty sure could communicate certain things silently without the slightest effort, but a desire for broccoli might not be one of them.

For example, I have no doubt Aziraphale and Crowley from Good Omens could convey sentiments like "Mortals, who can figure 'em," "Your fashion sense is, as always, abominable/Yes I know my dear, drink your tea," "He's definitely one of yours/Oh no he is not," and "Let us now retire to the pub and consume vast quantities of fine alcohol/Yes, let's!" with a slight inclination of the head or a nuanced tilt of sunglasses, but they don't have much call to go into grocery stores.

Now old bookshops, on the other hand...

"No no no no no no no, I wanted you to grab the Wilde first edition on the shelf behind you before that lady spotted it!"

"Oh. Sorry, angel, I thought you were having a potentially fatal attack of indigestion."

[sorrel]

Oh yeah, I can definitely think of a few fandom couples that qualify for this. In fact, tons of my fandoms have characters that have conversations like this in actual canon, which is always my very favorite thing. Broccoli test-by-proxy?