[memes] The Broccoli Test

[whyareyoulikethis]

Gather ‘round, children! It’s Fandom Storytime!

Once upon a time, long ago, when people were into The Professionals fandom- this was when dinosaurs roamed the earth and people still made vids with VCRs and shit- two fangirls were in a grocery store in California. They were on opposite ends of the produce section. One fangirl wanted the other fangirl to get broccoli, but didn’t want to yell, “HEY GIRL HEY GET SOME BROCCOLI YO," because that’s obnoxious.

And lo, there were broccoli charades (“You want me to pick up a nuclear bomb? Some testicles? What? What is that hand motion?") but it didn’t take (“You thought I was miming balls? Seriously? What’s wrong with you?"). When they finally reconvened, the first fangirl grumped that if it had been Doyle and Bodie of the Professionals going grocery shopping, Doyle would have been able to tell Bodie to get broccoli with the merest flick of an eyebrow instead of having to flap his hands like a drunk hummingbird. And thus the broccoli test was born.

“Passing the broccoli test" became fandom shorthand for the couple that could convey everything from “Don’t order the chicken here, it sucks" to “I love you and want to have your babies but I’m still too pent up by heteronormative standards of masculinity to act on it- wait for me!" in a single significant eye-fucking glance.

That said, failing the broccoli test doesn’t make your OTP less T; plenty of pairings fail the broccoli test with flying colors. I’m thinking of Ray Kowalski and Fraser from Due South, who only nailed the silent communication thing after they rode in a submarine and stole a Canadian pirate ship with Leslie Nielsen.


I’d really like some broccoli. Also, buttsex.


The broccoli test is an old school meme that hasn’t made the rounds in a while, so we here at Fanspastic thought it was time to revisit it with some new pairings.




1. Dean/Castiel (Supernatural)




The broccoli test would be a challenge for Dean and Cas. Dean because I'm pretty sure he goes straight to the frozen corn dog section every time and wouldn't know how to find broccoli with a TomTom. Cas because he's the Mork to Dean's Mindy only with a trench coat and even more obtuse people skills.

Dean: Hey, Cas! Can you get some broccoli?
Castiel: [stares]
Dean: [points] You know, broccoli, the green thingy.
Castiel: [stares more]
Dean: [louder] Over there!
Castiel: [on cell phone] Hello, Dean. What were you trying to communicate to me?
Dean: [also on cell phone, sighs] You're only 10 feet away, Cas, you don't need to- we've talked about this. Never mind.
Castiel: I love you as well.

Grade: F

But don't worry Dean and Cas, let's face it, Sam probably does all the Winchester grocery shopping anyway.

2. Peter/Neal (White Collar)




The trust between Neal and Peter is one of the central tenets of White Collar as a show, and as a result, these two are the master of the loaded, mind-reading glance.

Neal: (smiles sweetly)
Peter: What's wrong with you?
Neal: Nothing!
Peter: No. Something is different.
Neal: I don't know what you're talking about.
Peter: Is that -- why Neal, are you wearing a shirt off the rack?
Neal: It's the recession.
Peter: This is a sign.
Neal: You're going to start paying me?
Peter: (studies Neal) Somehow, this means you want broccoli. I don't know why I know that, but I can feel it.
Neal: Peter!
Peter: Elizabeth is already steaming some. Let's go. My dog's not going to walk himself.

Grade: B+ (We're knocking half a grade off for Neal's bored attempts at shoplifting broccoli.)


3. Arthur/Merlin (Merlin)




Arthur and Merlin should automatically fail the broccoli test because, like tomatoes, they are historically inaccurate. Oh wait.

In the spirit of the meme, though, Arthur and Merlin do have their moments of tacit, eyesexing communication. But considering it's been two seasons and Arthur still hasn't figured out that his manservant is a wizard, I don't know how'd they'd do here. In fact, they'd probably get attacked by a malicious vegetable fairy who has it in for Arthur for handwaved reasons before they could even take the broccoli test:

Vegetable Fairy: [crap CGI]
Merlin: [blatantly uses magic, accidentally destroys store]
Arthur: WHAT HAPPENED? THIS IS SO AMAZING.
Merlin: [sad]
Manager of Ye Olde Piggly Wiggly: We're going to have to ask you to leave.

Grade: Incomplete



Who did we miss? Put your pairings up to the test, fanspasticers!