Twilight Provokes Unhealthy Emotional Reactions; Earth Still Round

[damngirl]

So, this morning, I scratched out thatneedslube's eyes to write this story.

BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND.

Okay, some back story. In the spirit of being a good editor, stopitsomemore sent out a link to this legitimate news story. If you're hesitant to click any of our links after the whole Jesus thing, here is the text, gloriously reproduced.

Dear Amy: I am a divorced woman in my mid-50s and am happy with my life. I have friends and great relationships with my kids, their spouses and the grandkids.

I have dated two men since divorcing, neither one for long. That has not bothered me until lately.

I recently read a popular book series. It was geared toward younger readers originally. I have been obsessed with these stories and have really grown attached to the primary male character.

I'm so sorry I don't have the same type of love that this character has for the female character. I have been depressed about this.

I don't know if I am having a "middle-age" breakdown or what. I don't know if I should seek counseling.

I feel like I am missing a lot all of a sudden, and I keep thinking about this character and wanting a love like he has. What is wrong with me?

Obsessed

Dear Obsessed: It seems the "Twilight" series may have sent you over the edge. If you confess to an obsession, wonder if you are having a breakdown and worry about your behavior, then you should seek counseling.

Now, as a semi-literate, vaguely intelligent, if prone to dick jokes, kind of person- I could well be expected to dismiss the Twilight series as derivative, trite, anti-feminist and freaking dumb.

And honestly? It is.

Does that mean I haven't read the books, watched the movies and gotten drunk and covered my friends in glitter and ran around the woods shrieking about lions and lambs?

FUCK NO.



Sparkle my bitch up.

I accidentally tripped and started reading the books- a friend and I had word-vomit giggles of horror monsters all over a bookstore in Alexandria as we read the (TERRIBLE) first chapter aloud and thought that Forks was the dumbest thing to name a town, ever. The next thing I knew, I had essentially (sort of by accident) defaced it and bought it to hide my shame, and then accidentally bought the other two books, and oh- it was the week Breaking Dawn came out.

By the end of the week, it was 4 in the morning and I was screaming at my computer that the fourteen year olds who had shamefully bought it at midnight had to have finished it by then and Christ I just wanted to know if Bella and Edward got married and boned is that so much to ask and I HAD A SICKNESS, OKAY?

So, to say I get the average fan of the it's-so-bad-it's-amazing, why-do-I-love-this-even-ironically Twilight Series, is accurate. More than accurate.

To say I understand our reader?

NOT AT ALL.

Firstly, I think it's funny that she's worried she doesn't love anyone like Edward loves Bella.

EDWARD OILS HER WINDOW SO HE CAN BREAK INTO HER BEDROOM AND WATCH HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS WITHOUT ALARMING HER. THIS IS NOT A GOOD ROLE MODEL, OKAY?



I didn't even have to caption it myself.

Secondly, there's a lot of bashing, even sensible and good-natured, of Twilight fans (or TwiHards as they call themselves, and really? Why make it worse?). I could say a lot of nice things about diffr'nt strokes for diffr'nt folks or that at least they're enjoying themselves and their terrifying merchandise, but I'd rather let them speak for themselves. (Awesomely.)



What do you think, dear readers? Is this the tip of the iceberg? Will Dear Abby next be asked how to have a werewolf-friendly Christmas when your pack has recently split over a half-vampire baby? (I would say spoiler, but everyone on the internet knows about this shit.)

More importantly, what awful, terrible, bad, no-good things do you love? Fandoms, movies, television, books, WHAT HAVE YOU! This is a zero-shame zone. I ADMITTED MY PROBLEM, COME FORTH, TELL US YOURS.