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fangasmicPeople all over the English-speaking world have today off for the Easter holidays. But if you, like me, work for a company run by Godless Heathens, you might be sitting in your office looking outside at the sunshine, pounding back coffee spiked with misery and despair and fat free milk.
This post? This is for you.
Some folks celebrate this time of year by dyeing eggs, beating up the Easter Bunny, or marathoning every episode of M*A*S*H instead of going to church. We here at Fanspastic choose to celebrate in our own special way, ie sacrilegious badfic.
We don't make a habit of linking fic on Fanspastic, but this is one of those anonymous (text file!) oldies that would have been lost to the pixelated sands of time were it not for the Wayback Machine.
After reading it, you'll probably wish the Wayback Machine servers had caught on fire and fell into the ocean.
There's no extant title for this gem, so let's just go with: The One Where Jesus Gets It In His Spear Wound, No Really, See The Title of This Post by Anonymous (Jesus/OMC, NC-17)
Behold! A few excerpts of this masterpiece, wherein Jesus getting stoned is probably the least offensive thing that happens:
ENTER JESUS:
AND LATER, AFTER THEY'RE STONED AND MAKING OUT:
AND THEN THEY START GETTING DOWN TO IT AND I START READING FROM BEHIND MY FINGERS:
AND THEN THEY DO IT IN HIS SPEAR WOUND AND I'LL SPARE YOU THE QUOTES BECAUSE IT'S TOO TERRIBLE FOR ME AND I NEVER EVEN WENT TO CHURCH AND I FEEL UNCLEAN. AND COLD. SO COLD.
So. You're welcome for that. Happy Easter!
[Ed note: UGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I WENT OUT FOR THREE HOURS TO BUY KITCHEN EQUIPMENT ON GOD'S DAY AND COME BACK TO SACRILEGIOUS WOUNDFUCKING -- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE, THE SUPERNATURAL WRITER'S ROOM?]
This post? This is for you.
Some folks celebrate this time of year by dyeing eggs, beating up the Easter Bunny, or marathoning every episode of M*A*S*H instead of going to church. We here at Fanspastic choose to celebrate in our own special way, ie sacrilegious badfic.
We don't make a habit of linking fic on Fanspastic, but this is one of those anonymous (text file!) oldies that would have been lost to the pixelated sands of time were it not for the Wayback Machine.
After reading it, you'll probably wish the Wayback Machine servers had caught on fire and fell into the ocean.
There's no extant title for this gem, so let's just go with: The One Where Jesus Gets It In His Spear Wound, No Really, See The Title of This Post by Anonymous (Jesus/OMC, NC-17)
Behold! A few excerpts of this masterpiece, wherein Jesus getting stoned is probably the least offensive thing that happens:
ENTER JESUS:
I can't explain in mere words the sheer beauty of his physical presence. The renaissance painters just didn't do him justice. He had flowing, shoulder-length chestnut hair framing his deliciously chiseled features, penetrating come-fuck-me eyes, the totally trendy but somehow appropriate alterna-teen goatee - all planted on top of the most exquisitely borderline anorexic body I'd ever seen. Jesus Christ was the twink's twink.
AND LATER, AFTER THEY'RE STONED AND MAKING OUT:
"Praise the me," he said, momentarily breaking our kiss, "I wasn't sure you'd go for it."
"Me?" I stammered, astounded, "YOU were worried about ME?"
"You'd be surprised at how many people reject Christ" he said. "Not good for the ol' self-esteem."
AND THEN THEY START GETTING DOWN TO IT AND I START READING FROM BEHIND MY FINGERS:
Wound in the side and all, he was the hottest piece of immaculately conceived ass I'd ever seen. Our bodies entwined, perfectly meshing with one another, and we wriggled our way into 69 position. "Thy cup runneth over," he complimented.
My mind was racing as I tasted of his tree of carnal knowledge.
AND THEN THEY DO IT IN HIS SPEAR WOUND AND I'LL SPARE YOU THE QUOTES BECAUSE IT'S TOO TERRIBLE FOR ME AND I NEVER EVEN WENT TO CHURCH AND I FEEL UNCLEAN. AND COLD. SO COLD.
So. You're welcome for that. Happy Easter!
[Ed note: UGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I WENT OUT FOR THREE HOURS TO BUY KITCHEN EQUIPMENT ON GOD'S DAY AND COME BACK TO SACRILEGIOUS WOUNDFUCKING -- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE, THE SUPERNATURAL WRITER'S ROOM?]