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[recap] Madonna Has Arcane Powers, Tonight At- Did American Idol Just Screw My DVR?!
Girl, if you missed last week's Glee, "Hell-O", CATCH THE HELL UP.
If you've warmed up your Flowbee, Florence Henderson, MOSEY ON DOWN BENEATH THE CUT.
GET IN THE RECAP, LOSER. WE'RE GOING SHOPPING.
So, this ep requires a working knowledge of Madge, the high holy Madonna. Kurt and I kindly request that you brush up- just watch out for A-Rod. It also requires a hatred of American Idol, which- as per their populist wont- ran over, meaning Glee cut off on everyone's DVRs halfway through the final number, vexing people enough to show up on MSNBC, the only channel to challenge C-SPAN to a boring-off. (Don't despair though, there will be an encore airing on Friday at 9 pm ET/PT!)
Our episode opens with Sue writing in her journal, which more or less looks like an explosion in a Lisa Frank factory. Sue waxes philosophical on the POWER OF MADONNA and blackmails Figgins into playing Madonna loudly over the PA system. She's going to pay homage to M via a Cheerios number. Sue meets with the Cheerios immediately after, laying down the law. They are to emulate Madonna in all ways: they don't have last names anymore, and they have to date younger men, or Sue will end them.
Meanwhile, the girls are having a pow-wow while Schue creeps hardcore, eavesdroppin' Like A Boss. Rachel is clearly distressed because Jesse St. James wants to go all the way- although, who doesn't, after going to a Wiggles concert?
Move over, Marvin Gaye, these dudes are gonna get you hot.
General consensus from the lady peanut gallery is that Rachel should never mate- they're probably convinced that Rachel would eat her mate's head after copulation- but if she were to do it, it's no BFD. (Unless you get knocked up. Sorry, Quinny.) Mr. Schue is horrified by this discussion. And of course, who better to ask about raising women's self-esteem and sexual agency?
The Mysophobic Virgin Guidance Counselor.
Emma is as useless to Will as Avatar would be to Helen Keller, but she makes up for it with the brochures in her office, which include such hits as "Help! I'm in Love With My Stepdad!" and "I Still Breastfeed... But How Old is Too Old?" They flirt around the issue of sleeping together themselves, and Emma is obviously considering it. (I guess some chicks super dig the Still-Not-Divorced High-School-Spanish-Teacher look.)
Since that is a hot mess, Will wanders the hallowed halls of McKinley looking for inspiration, which he finds in the form of the Cheerios practicing to "Ray of Light" ON BADASS STILTS. Like, I spent the whole routine going, "... Rancho Carne Toros, eat your heart out." Will, like everyone who has bought a track suit since last spring, decides that copying Sue Sylvester is the way to go.
Will announces that they'll be doing Madonna, and all Madonna. Kurt and the ladies are filled with joy, but the dudes, notably Puckzilla, while ceding Madge's cred as a MILF, are less than pleased. Kurt, on the other hand, is enlisting Mercedes and Artie's AV friends to do a multimedia project. I am already all a-quiver. The guys, who think that a Ballad is a Kind of Duck, and have never heard of misogyny (Brittany: "When I pulled my hamstring, I had to go see a misogynist.") insist that Madge is not show-choirable.
Everyone on the planet laughs.
Rachel, being the go-getter she is, breaks into the first musical number of the episode, "Express Yourself," which was sassy and delicious. Though I was sort of confused by the guys' disinterest- hot girls, wearing corset tops (technically girdles, but that's such an unsexy word) dancing up on each other. Kurt and Mr. Schue are the only ones to applaud. :( I don't understand!
"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!"
Meanwhile, our Dynamic Duo, Brittany and Santana, talk. Brittany's dating an elementary schooler and rocking some sweet Madonna hair, so Santana better bring her A game. What better way than... taking Finn's virginity? (Yeah, I don't really follow that train of thought.) Santana corners Finn and convinces him that Jesse and Rachel are dating still, so they should do it to hurt Rachel. Also, she admits, it's mostly to suit Santana's ends- Sue will make her head cheerleader and it boosts her image, so it's win-win for her.
Emma calls Sue into her office. Apparently the only person who isn't getting Madonna pumped into their office at ear-splitting volume- McKinley's PA system must go to 11- is her. Sue explains- delicately, like Sue does- that because she thinks Emma is as asexual as David Jay, Emma doesn't deserve Madonna. This is probably the only way I can describe Emma's face:
>:c
While Finn is presumably still thinking over Santana's offer to drop his V-Card in a game of Egyptian Rat Screw (mostly a metaphor), Rachel insists that as co-captains of the Glee Club, they should do a Madonna number to you know, convince everyone it's cool. Because Rachel and Finn are the epitome of cool. They do a mashup of "Open Your Heart" and "Borderline." It's one of my favorite numbers in the episode, and not just because of all the hilarious Madonna wannabees roaming the halls of McKinley in the montage that's reminiscent of "No Air" in "Throwdown." (But they're pretty amazing. No lie.)
Not anymore.
They have a supremely awkward moment that means all the Finchel (terrible portmanteau) shippers should stop burning pictures of Jon Groff in effigy. Rachel and Finn are so beyond not over each other. They then have a surprisingly mature conversation about still being friends- even though Finn knows she's still dating Jesse and Rachel knows that he's thinking about doing it with Santana. (Although it clearly pains both of them to treat this semi-rationally, as it looks like they're both a second away from clubbing each other on the head and trying to drag each other back to their caves.)
Kurt and Mercedes are talking to Will about their fierce-ass Multimedia Shenanigans when Sue rolls up to lay the smackdown on Will's coiffure. He snaps and throws it all back in her face- suddenly my Flowbee and FloHen jokes are making sense, aren't they? While we, like Will, are amazed and delighted to have the upper hand for once, Sue is so unsettled that she WWE brawls five dudes and goes to sulk in her Batcave. Kurt and Mercedes share a look that might as well have been "SHIT JUST GOT REAL" flashing at the bottom of our screens like a tornado warning.
KurtCedes go to (horrors) console Sue, in the much-promoted "we make culture" scene, where Sue explains that between taking care of her sister, Jean and the absence of her Nazi-hunting parents, she ruined her hair. It is her jealousy of Will's shellacked locks that provokes her teasing. KurtCedes, intolerant of hair-related depression, offer to do a MAKEOVER. (A-quiver!)
Meanwhile, back in Virginville, population: most of this show, Jesse meets Rachel in the Sondheim section (I laughed, I cried) and apologizes for pressuring her post-Wiggles concert. She rebuffs the apology and insists she's ready to GO ALL THE WAY. Elsewhere in McKinley, Emma stops Will dead in his tracks by essentially going, "SEX TONIGHT YOU ME DOING IT 7:30 DON'T BE LATE."
Back with the KurtCedes, we see Artie sagely presiding over the production of maybe the most amazing thing ever: the Vogue Vid.
We break for commercial, and then Virginville Strikes Back. They do "Like A Virgin" in a very nicely choreographed and costume-designed dream scene. (This is where![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whyareyoulikethis would like me to tell you that Rachel's capelet was fugly, but I say FUCK THAT NOISE, BRING ON THE CAPELETS.) We montage between Will and Emma, Rachel and Jesse, and (disturbingly, in Sue and Figgins' Motel of Blackmail and Shame) Finn and Santana. It's doubly significant, since Naya Rivera finally gets a solo. Way to go, girl. (Maybe next week, Dijon and Harry will finally get some lines. For the love of God.)
After the equivalent of a tasteful fade to black that doesn't answer at all WHO DOES IT, OMG, KurtCedes eagerly await Sue's new made-over arrival- but she comes in the same as ever. ("Whoopie. Don Knotts.") Via flashback we see that while trying to give the Glee kids the "Madonna Treatment," i.e., sending them to New York with $35 and a dream (and probably to be sold into human trafficking), Figgins convinced her that despite how fierce she looked in her cone bra, Sue didn't need to be anyone but her conniving, terrifying, Sue-ish self.
Yeah, we thought they were too good to give up too, Sue.
Meanwhile, back in Virginville, again, Rachel and Finn post-mortem their dates. We find out that Virginville's population is -1. While Rachel talks a good game to Finn, really at the last moment she decided not to go through with it. (Although, while she was in the bathroom Jesse got one of the best lines of the night: "Just come out so we can talk ... or sing about it.") Finn makes it sound like he bailed on his and Santana's date when in fact- they did it. While I was disappointed that Finn didn't hold out, he at least realized that it wasn't worth it: "I didn't feel anything, 'cause it didn't mean anything." Plus, he's a hetero dude (contrary to Kurt's fervent prayers on the matter) so, yeah, of course he hit that. It didn't stop me from still going, "Look at your life, look at your choices."
Will and Emma talk about their Failure to Launch, too. While Emma's concerned that this means she failed in her Madgian quest to own her own body, Will promises her that knowing she wasn't ready means she succeeded after all, even if she ran out of his apartment without her shoes. Also, in the cutest thing this side of otters holding hands, Will gives her the contact information for a counseling service covered by their health care and her shoes, already polished. He's being proactive about the things keeping them apart- he's filing for divorce that day and trying to help Emma overcome her own issues. It was a real moment of grown-up affection and consideration between them that had me calling my dentist, because I thought I had a cavity.
In a twist foreshadowed enough that my Gleebro texted me earlier on Tuesday to go "Do you think Jesse joins New Directions?"- which, she's fucking Nostradamus, man, I bow to her superior knowledge and mastery of Glee- Jesse transfers to McKinley. KurtCedes are pissed- Jesse means less of a chance for solos, less spotlight, but Jesse's alibi, that his parents winter in Bali and he's staying with his uncle in their district, is pretty airtight. This scene is extreme money for the following lines- Brittany: "Mr. Schue, is he your son?" Santana: "He's a spy, Mr. Schue, I would know." But Finn wins with the most sincerely high school response ever: "What the hell! It seems like now everyone is doing things just to hurt my feelings!"
Jesse explains that he knows Rachel could never really be with him because he was the "enemy." The whole club is, rightfully, pretty damn dubious, but Mr. Schue rules supreme- if you want to be in Glee Club, you're in Glee Club. It's a good reminder that in some way, they've all been rejected or denied something they wanted, or wanted to be a part of, and Glee is about inclusion. (Teachable moments, Schue!)
Of course, he turns around with some sweet hypocrisy two seconds later after attending a pep rally where, decked out in their Cheerios uniforms, KurtCedes bust out "4 Minutes." Will is furious they didn't tell him, but Kurt shoots back that they just want more opportunities to shine, so they're doing both, Cheerios and Glee Club. (Mercedes is also wearing pants, like Kurt. I'm sort of puzzled, since I think Amber Riley would look adorable in the skirt.)
EVERYTHING I LOVE NOTHING I HATE.
And because Will is a stand up kinda guy- when not making out with Idina Menzel- he makes the boys do some Madonna anyway. Between Puck's unilateral and strangely endearing douchery ("Yeah, Finn would like to become 'Finnessa?'"), Artie telling Tina that he forgives her for lying about the stutter but that she's going to have to re-do her look to "get all up ons this," and Finn basically playing Hot and Cold with Rachel like a Katy Perry song, he's totally ashamed of all of them. And Will sings along, because he may be incapable of making good love decisions but at least he's self-aware about it.
So they sing "What It Feels Like For a Girl." Through the magic of song, they realize they were being grade-A assholes: Artie apologizes to Tina, and they quite literally kiss and make up, and Finn apologizes to Rachel- he jerked her around and he blew his own chances with her. Her resolve is sort of wavering when Jesse appears to deliver the ultimatum: SING OFF. PARKING LOT.
Finn surprises all of us by instead welcoming Jesse to New Directions and offering to fill Jesse in on all the choreography for their upcoming number. (Let's take a moment to mull on Frankenteen teaching someone else to dance.) Rachel stares after them as they walk off together, probably thinking that she'd really like to find herself in the middle of that sandwich.
And because it's not Madonna without it, their final number is "Like A Prayer." I listened to this maybe about a thousand times in the car today- it's AMAZING. (On an adorable note, apparently Amber Riley's mom was in the choir!)
Next week brings us the return of KChens as April and Kurt matchmaking his dad and Finn's mom. Forecast: PHENOMENALLY AMAZING BAD DECISIONS.
Thoughts? Did this episode touch you in your tingly bits? Or are you just salivating for the Lady Gaga episode lurking in the back 9?
If you've warmed up your Flowbee, Florence Henderson, MOSEY ON DOWN BENEATH THE CUT.
GET IN THE RECAP, LOSER. WE'RE GOING SHOPPING.
So, this ep requires a working knowledge of Madge, the high holy Madonna. Kurt and I kindly request that you brush up- just watch out for A-Rod. It also requires a hatred of American Idol, which- as per their populist wont- ran over, meaning Glee cut off on everyone's DVRs halfway through the final number, vexing people enough to show up on MSNBC, the only channel to challenge C-SPAN to a boring-off. (Don't despair though, there will be an encore airing on Friday at 9 pm ET/PT!)
Our episode opens with Sue writing in her journal, which more or less looks like an explosion in a Lisa Frank factory. Sue waxes philosophical on the POWER OF MADONNA and blackmails Figgins into playing Madonna loudly over the PA system. She's going to pay homage to M via a Cheerios number. Sue meets with the Cheerios immediately after, laying down the law. They are to emulate Madonna in all ways: they don't have last names anymore, and they have to date younger men, or Sue will end them.
Meanwhile, the girls are having a pow-wow while Schue creeps hardcore, eavesdroppin' Like A Boss. Rachel is clearly distressed because Jesse St. James wants to go all the way- although, who doesn't, after going to a Wiggles concert?
Move over, Marvin Gaye, these dudes are gonna get you hot.
General consensus from the lady peanut gallery is that Rachel should never mate- they're probably convinced that Rachel would eat her mate's head after copulation- but if she were to do it, it's no BFD. (Unless you get knocked up. Sorry, Quinny.) Mr. Schue is horrified by this discussion. And of course, who better to ask about raising women's self-esteem and sexual agency?
The Mysophobic Virgin Guidance Counselor.
Emma is as useless to Will as Avatar would be to Helen Keller, but she makes up for it with the brochures in her office, which include such hits as "Help! I'm in Love With My Stepdad!" and "I Still Breastfeed... But How Old is Too Old?" They flirt around the issue of sleeping together themselves, and Emma is obviously considering it. (I guess some chicks super dig the Still-Not-Divorced High-School-Spanish-Teacher look.)
Since that is a hot mess, Will wanders the hallowed halls of McKinley looking for inspiration, which he finds in the form of the Cheerios practicing to "Ray of Light" ON BADASS STILTS. Like, I spent the whole routine going, "... Rancho Carne Toros, eat your heart out." Will, like everyone who has bought a track suit since last spring, decides that copying Sue Sylvester is the way to go.
Will announces that they'll be doing Madonna, and all Madonna. Kurt and the ladies are filled with joy, but the dudes, notably Puckzilla, while ceding Madge's cred as a MILF, are less than pleased. Kurt, on the other hand, is enlisting Mercedes and Artie's AV friends to do a multimedia project. I am already all a-quiver. The guys, who think that a Ballad is a Kind of Duck, and have never heard of misogyny (Brittany: "When I pulled my hamstring, I had to go see a misogynist.") insist that Madge is not show-choirable.
Everyone on the planet laughs.
Rachel, being the go-getter she is, breaks into the first musical number of the episode, "Express Yourself," which was sassy and delicious. Though I was sort of confused by the guys' disinterest- hot girls, wearing corset tops (technically girdles, but that's such an unsexy word) dancing up on each other. Kurt and Mr. Schue are the only ones to applaud. :( I don't understand!
"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!"
Meanwhile, our Dynamic Duo, Brittany and Santana, talk. Brittany's dating an elementary schooler and rocking some sweet Madonna hair, so Santana better bring her A game. What better way than... taking Finn's virginity? (Yeah, I don't really follow that train of thought.) Santana corners Finn and convinces him that Jesse and Rachel are dating still, so they should do it to hurt Rachel. Also, she admits, it's mostly to suit Santana's ends- Sue will make her head cheerleader and it boosts her image, so it's win-win for her.
Emma calls Sue into her office. Apparently the only person who isn't getting Madonna pumped into their office at ear-splitting volume- McKinley's PA system must go to 11- is her. Sue explains- delicately, like Sue does- that because she thinks Emma is as asexual as David Jay, Emma doesn't deserve Madonna. This is probably the only way I can describe Emma's face:
>:c
While Finn is presumably still thinking over Santana's offer to drop his V-Card in a game of Egyptian Rat Screw (mostly a metaphor), Rachel insists that as co-captains of the Glee Club, they should do a Madonna number to you know, convince everyone it's cool. Because Rachel and Finn are the epitome of cool. They do a mashup of "Open Your Heart" and "Borderline." It's one of my favorite numbers in the episode, and not just because of all the hilarious Madonna wannabees roaming the halls of McKinley in the montage that's reminiscent of "No Air" in "Throwdown." (But they're pretty amazing. No lie.)
Not anymore.
They have a supremely awkward moment that means all the Finchel (terrible portmanteau) shippers should stop burning pictures of Jon Groff in effigy. Rachel and Finn are so beyond not over each other. They then have a surprisingly mature conversation about still being friends- even though Finn knows she's still dating Jesse and Rachel knows that he's thinking about doing it with Santana. (Although it clearly pains both of them to treat this semi-rationally, as it looks like they're both a second away from clubbing each other on the head and trying to drag each other back to their caves.)
Kurt and Mercedes are talking to Will about their fierce-ass Multimedia Shenanigans when Sue rolls up to lay the smackdown on Will's coiffure. He snaps and throws it all back in her face- suddenly my Flowbee and FloHen jokes are making sense, aren't they? While we, like Will, are amazed and delighted to have the upper hand for once, Sue is so unsettled that she WWE brawls five dudes and goes to sulk in her Batcave. Kurt and Mercedes share a look that might as well have been "SHIT JUST GOT REAL" flashing at the bottom of our screens like a tornado warning.
KurtCedes go to (horrors) console Sue, in the much-promoted "we make culture" scene, where Sue explains that between taking care of her sister, Jean and the absence of her Nazi-hunting parents, she ruined her hair. It is her jealousy of Will's shellacked locks that provokes her teasing. KurtCedes, intolerant of hair-related depression, offer to do a MAKEOVER. (A-quiver!)
Meanwhile, back in Virginville, population: most of this show, Jesse meets Rachel in the Sondheim section (I laughed, I cried) and apologizes for pressuring her post-Wiggles concert. She rebuffs the apology and insists she's ready to GO ALL THE WAY. Elsewhere in McKinley, Emma stops Will dead in his tracks by essentially going, "SEX TONIGHT YOU ME DOING IT 7:30 DON'T BE LATE."
Back with the KurtCedes, we see Artie sagely presiding over the production of maybe the most amazing thing ever: the Vogue Vid.
We break for commercial, and then Virginville Strikes Back. They do "Like A Virgin" in a very nicely choreographed and costume-designed dream scene. (This is where
whyareyoulikethis would like me to tell you that Rachel's capelet was fugly, but I say FUCK THAT NOISE, BRING ON THE CAPELETS.) We montage between Will and Emma, Rachel and Jesse, and (disturbingly, in Sue and Figgins' Motel of Blackmail and Shame) Finn and Santana. It's doubly significant, since Naya Rivera finally gets a solo. Way to go, girl. (Maybe next week, Dijon and Harry will finally get some lines. For the love of God.)After the equivalent of a tasteful fade to black that doesn't answer at all WHO DOES IT, OMG, KurtCedes eagerly await Sue's new made-over arrival- but she comes in the same as ever. ("Whoopie. Don Knotts.") Via flashback we see that while trying to give the Glee kids the "Madonna Treatment," i.e., sending them to New York with $35 and a dream (and probably to be sold into human trafficking), Figgins convinced her that despite how fierce she looked in her cone bra, Sue didn't need to be anyone but her conniving, terrifying, Sue-ish self.
Yeah, we thought they were too good to give up too, Sue.
Meanwhile, back in Virginville, again, Rachel and Finn post-mortem their dates. We find out that Virginville's population is -1. While Rachel talks a good game to Finn, really at the last moment she decided not to go through with it. (Although, while she was in the bathroom Jesse got one of the best lines of the night: "Just come out so we can talk ... or sing about it.") Finn makes it sound like he bailed on his and Santana's date when in fact- they did it. While I was disappointed that Finn didn't hold out, he at least realized that it wasn't worth it: "I didn't feel anything, 'cause it didn't mean anything." Plus, he's a hetero dude (contrary to Kurt's fervent prayers on the matter) so, yeah, of course he hit that. It didn't stop me from still going, "Look at your life, look at your choices."
Will and Emma talk about their Failure to Launch, too. While Emma's concerned that this means she failed in her Madgian quest to own her own body, Will promises her that knowing she wasn't ready means she succeeded after all, even if she ran out of his apartment without her shoes. Also, in the cutest thing this side of otters holding hands, Will gives her the contact information for a counseling service covered by their health care and her shoes, already polished. He's being proactive about the things keeping them apart- he's filing for divorce that day and trying to help Emma overcome her own issues. It was a real moment of grown-up affection and consideration between them that had me calling my dentist, because I thought I had a cavity.
In a twist foreshadowed enough that my Gleebro texted me earlier on Tuesday to go "Do you think Jesse joins New Directions?"- which, she's fucking Nostradamus, man, I bow to her superior knowledge and mastery of Glee- Jesse transfers to McKinley. KurtCedes are pissed- Jesse means less of a chance for solos, less spotlight, but Jesse's alibi, that his parents winter in Bali and he's staying with his uncle in their district, is pretty airtight. This scene is extreme money for the following lines- Brittany: "Mr. Schue, is he your son?" Santana: "He's a spy, Mr. Schue, I would know." But Finn wins with the most sincerely high school response ever: "What the hell! It seems like now everyone is doing things just to hurt my feelings!"
Jesse explains that he knows Rachel could never really be with him because he was the "enemy." The whole club is, rightfully, pretty damn dubious, but Mr. Schue rules supreme- if you want to be in Glee Club, you're in Glee Club. It's a good reminder that in some way, they've all been rejected or denied something they wanted, or wanted to be a part of, and Glee is about inclusion. (Teachable moments, Schue!)
Of course, he turns around with some sweet hypocrisy two seconds later after attending a pep rally where, decked out in their Cheerios uniforms, KurtCedes bust out "4 Minutes." Will is furious they didn't tell him, but Kurt shoots back that they just want more opportunities to shine, so they're doing both, Cheerios and Glee Club. (Mercedes is also wearing pants, like Kurt. I'm sort of puzzled, since I think Amber Riley would look adorable in the skirt.)
EVERYTHING I LOVE NOTHING I HATE.
And because Will is a stand up kinda guy- when not making out with Idina Menzel- he makes the boys do some Madonna anyway. Between Puck's unilateral and strangely endearing douchery ("Yeah, Finn would like to become 'Finnessa?'"), Artie telling Tina that he forgives her for lying about the stutter but that she's going to have to re-do her look to "get all up ons this," and Finn basically playing Hot and Cold with Rachel like a Katy Perry song, he's totally ashamed of all of them. And Will sings along, because he may be incapable of making good love decisions but at least he's self-aware about it.
So they sing "What It Feels Like For a Girl." Through the magic of song, they realize they were being grade-A assholes: Artie apologizes to Tina, and they quite literally kiss and make up, and Finn apologizes to Rachel- he jerked her around and he blew his own chances with her. Her resolve is sort of wavering when Jesse appears to deliver the ultimatum: SING OFF. PARKING LOT.
Finn surprises all of us by instead welcoming Jesse to New Directions and offering to fill Jesse in on all the choreography for their upcoming number. (Let's take a moment to mull on Frankenteen teaching someone else to dance.) Rachel stares after them as they walk off together, probably thinking that she'd really like to find herself in the middle of that sandwich.
And because it's not Madonna without it, their final number is "Like A Prayer." I listened to this maybe about a thousand times in the car today- it's AMAZING. (On an adorable note, apparently Amber Riley's mom was in the choir!)
Next week brings us the return of KChens as April and Kurt matchmaking his dad and Finn's mom. Forecast: PHENOMENALLY AMAZING BAD DECISIONS.
Thoughts? Did this episode touch you in your tingly bits? Or are you just salivating for the Lady Gaga episode lurking in the back 9?