fangasmic

Hi, guys. Hi. Have you ever heard of a Japanese BL (boizu rabu, according to Wikipedia) series titled Sex Pistols?

Oh, you mean you haven't walked past the shelf at Borders where they are probably covered in plastic and and mostly obscured by a clutch of unforch-looking teenaged boys giggling and gagging -- and inevitably, the one reading it with wide, lustful eyes, because finally, finally, he's realized that cock is that for which he has hungered -- as they read the one copy that's had its wrapping discarded? That's cool.

Here's the short version: there are animal spirits who walk among us (read: furries, pay a-fuckin-ttention) and also, dudes can drop shorties (read: your ass can be a fertile valley of animal spirit babies) and also, someone in Japan gave an anime production company some E (read: a lot of E) and they made a two-part special about it.

To be sufficiently prepared for the experience of watching Sex Pistols (or reading it for that matter) there are a few essentials it is essential to have on hand:

(1) booze, or your substance to abuse of choice
(2) privacy, seriously, you do not want to explain watching this to norms
(3) a pillow, to muffle yourself, for when you shout, "WHAT THE FUCK."
(4) strength, like an ox

The first thing to note about the Sex Pistols OAV (standing for "only available on video" in the context of Japanese animation, but without any of the downmarket connotations that "straight to DVD" or "straight VHS" have in the U.S.) is that it doesn't make sense.

See that snake? It's smiling at you because it knows it's going to get you pregnant.

Like, I'm not kidding. It seriously doesn't make fucking sense. I'm saying this as someone who read Sex Pistols when it was shitty scanlations on the internet made in goddamn Microsoft Art with Times New Roman and like -34 kerning. If you know what that means, then you know how much that shit hurt me -- IN THE EYES -- to read. Even with the context of actually knowing what Sex Pistols is about, the Sex Pistols OAV doesn't make sense, so mainly, if you are watching this versus reading the manga (now widely available from publisher BLU), then I am assuming you are doing it out of (a) perverse fascination, (b) trainwreck mentality, (c) a keen interest in knocking up dudes, or (d) keep a free hand for somethin' somethin'. WHAT. I never said I was a role model.

Anyway -- boys. They are snake spirit boys. Or bear spirits. Or leopard spirits.

See. Bear. Leopard. Pass the vodka.

If you are super fucking unlucky, you are fey and also a cat spirit, which means your boy pussy is the holy path to supreme racial purity or some such shit among the animal spirits, and your kitty hormones are screaming "FUCK ME -- PUT YOUR ANIMAL SPIRIT PENIS RIGHT IN THIS OPENING RIGHT DOWN HERE -- MEOW" like ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

This is not actually the unlucky part. The unlucky part is that you cannot yet control your animal spirit, and every time your bf gets about two inches off of first base, you turn into a cat and he gets a mouthful of fur. Awkward.

Hi, Japan. No, of course it's not a legit make-out scene unless somebody has little kitty ears, right? Sadly, in this circumstance, they make narrative sense. FML.

Oh shit, is it getting hot in here?

Oh, no, they just ruined it.

See that's his wereleopard spirit, hovering over his strong back, and he is going to leverage his animal heat to fuck the shit outta his boyfri—

UGH. JAPAN. WHY. I can already feel a thousand super fucked up furry fics happening and cluttering up corners of nifty.org.

HOWEVER, the OAV producers, being wise souls, recognize that we are not in this just for the lols, we are also here for the graphic assfuckery, and as such, they had to spend less time on our main characters of werecat leopard and spirit pussy and more on the travails of werecat leopard's older brother, manhating snake dude and his fake friend, class president. They have names, I don't remember them, mostly because I know them as a 6'4" class president who is manhating snake dude's fake friend. (Dear Japan, I hate you.)

This is them. Pretending to be friends. Eating lunch broodily on a roof. I don't know either.

Secretly, class president has been in love with manhating snake dude for years.

You can tell because of the flower petals floating in the background. And the mangst on his face.

Anyway, since then, because manhater can't just hate all men endlessly and never talk to any dudes, they've maintained their fake friendship. Which gets stuck in poor class president's weeping craw when the manhater is nice to cat boy, who he is supposed to hate, because he is a boy. Insert feelings of jealousy here. More importantly, being a rainy and shite day, class president gets his frequent cold and rainytimes visitor: unnamed dude who keeps a towel on his head while he fucks him while we film with a lens covered in vaseline and glitter.

Seriously you guys have no idea how lucky you are that you cannot hear the fucking sound effects for this scene. Shitty music, check. Textiles rubbing, check. Wet skin slapping skin? NO CHECK. BUT TONS OF NASAL WHIMPERING. I've never felt less inclined to bone in my LIFE.

Thankfully, this not being a Lifetime production, our subby male protagonist actually does have friends outside of whoever is boning him while wearing a towel, and they go to the public pool together, where by coincidence, our bitchy manhating snake is swimming and having memories of angst (probably some character stuff, but I mean, do we really care?) and we learn that being part snake, he's cold-blooded. When it rains, or if he gets too cold (below 30 degrees celsius), his heart will stop and he'll be risking death. The last time this happened, he was sort of rescued by a dog animal spirit. But whoever that was, it CAN'T POSSIBLY be class president, because he, like most people, is a simple monkey, who cannot even SENSE the animal spirits. (I am so fucking glad I cannot sense, have sex with, be impregnated by the animal spirits.)

If you cannot guess at 3000 paces who the fuck this is you should just go kill yourself. Seriously.

Another shocker, class president and snake run into each other, where manhating snake notices that class president is sporting a pretty hardcore-ass hickey and comments on it in a dubiously touchy-feely sort of way. Let's all back for a bit:

I love the scent of dubious touching in the morning.

And then he meets class president's friend, who clearly hates snake dude, and then tells class president that if he's going to be hanging around this guy, he might as well go home. Snake dude, sufficiently filled with ennui about the situation, peaces out first, and when he goes home, we get to hear about how he bones a lot of chicks.

Because he's straight.

And he hates men.

Seriously, look at all this poon he's getting.

Shit that is BACKDOOR POON.

VINTED IN THE VALLEY OF HAS-A-DICK, FRANCE.

Obviously, he wakes up a little put out about the entire thing. Even worse, the AC in the school breaks, and sends everybody into the chiller, which is okay, except for snake dude, who needs snuggling from his half-brother, wereleopard man…

…and then against his will gets to be the baloney in that sandwich of failed gay consummation.

We can all see how thrilled he is about that. Moving right along, snake man realizes when class president rolls on up to check on him that class president's skin feels way, way too familiar, which is just ridiculous, right? Right? Already sketched out by the dream, he overcompensates by totally calling off his friendship with class president, who has been all manning it up in his dreams and shit, interrupting snake man's just endless, endless fucking waterfalls of pussy. (Not that one.)

Like I said earlier, this is a two-part OAV, and only part one has been fansubbed and made available by Aarinfantasy, with part two in the works. That is likely to cover the "revelation" of who class president's rainy day lover is, as well as why, however briefly, snake man thought that there was something more to the class president, who appears only to be a forgettable monkey just like the vast majority of people.

Did this make sense? No? Good, then I've given you a good reflection of the experience of watching it. Here's a bonus, from after the credits:

BECAUSE AFTER THE CREDITS, AND FOR REASONS NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND, SOME DUDE I DO NOT RECOGNIZE FROM THE MANGA HAS A LITTLE TEACHING LESSON WITH A TON OF ANIMAL SPIRIT SHORTIES. LIKE REALLY GUYS? IS THIS THE APPROPRIATE BOOKEND TO YOUR ANIMAL SPIRIT BUTTFUCK OAV? A KINDERGARTEN CLASS THAT TALKS ABOUT ANIMAL SPIRIT BUTTFUCKING? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

PRO-TIP: GOOD KIDS DO NOT LISTEN TO CREEPERS ABOUT ANIMAL SPIRIT BUTTFUCKING, MKAY?

WHY ARE YOU TELLING SHORTIES ABOUT ANIMAL SPIRIT SEX APPEAL? OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF KINDERGARTEN IS THIS? WHO RUNS THIS PLACE? ROMAN POLANSKI?

Ultimately, the only unqualified good of this OAV, aside from some impressively high production values and fairly good voice acting (although nobody I recognized right off the bat — what about you guys?), is that they didn't get into the entire animal spirit man-impregnating aspect. In case you're wondering? That is a major God damn plot point if you choose to read the manga. I am not advocating you read the manga. I am telling you that male pregnancy will happen to your face you read it. It will happen to your face hard. And fast. And sweaty, slapping against your spit-slick chin. It will probably happen to your face under some bleachers before seventh period math.

I recommend you build up reserves of your strength, ladies. Part two will be out eventually, and being strong like an ox, I will watch it — TWICE — in order to bring you the recap of that, too. May God have mercy on our souls.