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fangasmicANTM CYCLE 14, OR: MY FATHER SAYS I'M DEMEANING MYSELF
At this point in the show, I have little to no knowledge of or desire to actually learn most of these girls' names. So, instead, like a 2nd grade boy, I gave them rough, knee-jerk, shallow monikers to keep one vapid scarecrow from being confused with another. The ep starts off with a few brief interviews of the "OMG YOU GUYS TYRA GUYS TYRA" variety, which are only notable for the horrifying depth of these ladies' epic girlcrush on the craziest person on the planet. They say "Tyra" with the same creepy devotion that most people save for Edward Cullen. We meet Georgia (who lacks another defining characteristic at this point), Brooke Shields (who actually looks like Denise Richards, but girlfriend's eyebrows are from the Lagoon.) GI Jane (who I admit, rocks the Sinead, honestly.) and Four Eyes (who will be renamed CrazyEyes shortly, for reasons that will be evident.)
Lord Queen Crazy Tyra enters and everyone- predictably- flips their shit. CrazyEyes has a grand mal Tyra Seizure and actually falls down. Their gimmick is fairly amusing, if kind of 2007- Tyra's "myfiercepage" is fairly blowing up with model friend requests, so they have to fill out their profiles- Mr. J will take care of the prof pics and Ms. J will take on the walkpost. (At least they know their target audience.) Mr. J flat out says he doesn't want to be bored- because the girls have had 13 previous cycles to watch and learn. The assumption that they have nothing better to do than watch the previous cycles would rankle, but considering I've lost literal days to that train of thought, I can't really argue with his silverfoxed logic. They're each given three shots with Mr. J to get their photo out and early forerunners are GI Jane and anyone we've talked to previously.
They begin the long process of letting the girls walk for them and letting them shame themselves with their mad love for Tyra. Tyra, as a veteran serious, investigative journalist, immediately asks everyone bizarre personal questions which pretty much leads to the following revelations: ArkansasBaby, so names because she met a nice fellow at church at 16, went on a date and immediately got knocked up, FlameOn, who narrowly avoided being BabyMama2 by dint of her amazing red hair, who got knocked up on a first date at 18, and we find out the Georgia also has a kid. It's MILF season. CrazyEyes, who got called out early for a whack wig ala Halle Berry, professes a deep and abiding lord for Jesus Christ, Shepard of Judea, but cannot count.
This is a finger pointing. How many are aimed back at you? Three? Good. You're ahead of CrazyEyes.
Mean Peanut Head (Meanut, for short), dubbed for her cockatoo hairdo making her head look like this sassy fellow, explains that she doesn't date white men because she's "scared of pink penises" because they look like "raw meat". (I can't even make this shit up.) Luckily, Ms. J has this uncanny habit of expressing all of my feelings about this fresh hell all over her face, because otherwise my head might explode with the conviction that no one one this show is as horrified and bothered about the shit that just happens on this show. There are a number of unremarkable girls, but then there are also a Volunteer Mortician and a self-dubbed "Glamazon" who leads a rich fantasy life that involves a lot of mind-raping dudes for the procreation of the Glamazons (cannot make this shit up), but it resulted in Tyra mounting Mr. J and saying, for posterity, that she "needs male sperm". (CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.)
In the side cuts to the girls sitting around interspersed between horrifyingly bony swimsuit walks, CrazyEyes reveals she'd switch teams for GI Jane who- was raised in a sexually and emotionally abusive cult. She's really well adjusted... but she also brought a hand-drawn pencil sketch of Tyra (if Tyra was a Reticulan and dressed like Erykah Badu.) There are a few more girls, including Angelea of previous cycle tryouts and rage issues who seems to have a solid, cocky hate-on, especially for Gabrielle and the girls seem to view each other as serious competition- because they're both mixed race. There *is* a superficial resemblance, but not enough for the thinly veiled stink eye going around. Trust Fund, who's dead, rich grandmother is surely horrified somewhere and Pinraiser (both are pretty self explanatory) are feeling pretty smug about their cool, relaxed superiority- when in fact- in twenty seconds, after Tyra opts not to friend some models, are both out, possible in Pinraiser's case because she wasn't wearing underwear. Thank you, CW's blur-o-vision. 12 are cut, with 20 or so left and 13 will stay.
I am clawing my face off because we are only halfway through the episode.
The mini-challenge that follows to decide the finalists is actually sort of well done- it's a "What Supermodel are You?" quiz- the girls are given time to dress and make themselves up- to take a photo as their favorite supermodel, which is actually a pretty challenging assessment of their knowledge of the industry. (TOUCHE, TYRA.) There are some flinging around of obscure models' names and some major faux pas- including CrazyEyes trying to do Naomi Campbell and then not knowing anything about her (it's actually pretty easy- just throw a phone at your housekeeper), and Alexandra, the plus size model (or possibly one of the other blonds? They were starting to blur together) painting on a Cindy Crawford mole that looked like Elmira Gulch was green with envy somewhere. (You see what I did there?) But the best of the best was Dumb Tatiana telling Mr. J her supermodel was Megan Fox.
Not a supermodel.
Tyra and the Js run through the profiles, with notable moments such as Georgia's graduation from the Joey Tribiani School of Smell-the-Fart Acting and Ms. J liking Meanut, which resulted in strong D: from all parties watching. But finally- IT IS TIME:
Still-in-the-Running-Toward-Becoming-America's-Next-Top-Model:
GI Jane
ArkansasBaby
Simone the Dumb Duke Kid
Raina Who I Don't Even Know Who She Is Or What She Looks Like
Brooke Shields
Dumb Tatiana
Plus Size Alexandra
Meanut
FlameOn
CrazyEyes (Who took this opportunity to fall down. Again.)
Georgia
Gabrielle
Angelea
You might say,damngirl, that is only 12!
Well, I know that. You'll see. Shut up.
The models are whisked off to NYC only to meet-- Oh, sweet Christ.
This fame grabbing attention whore.
Apparently, six months ago on the TBanks Show, Tyra sold this appearance on the show to the gross little leprechaun like cheap trade to get Perez to even momentarily quit creepy stalking celebrity children. Nice try, T. Also, Tyra presents a hand-picked mystery 13th warrior: Ren. She's a sef-described "free-spirit" which to me always means "whore", which is only worsened by the fact that she says she "cannot be caged". But this chicanery does result in the only redeeming part of this whole show in occurring now:
IT'S TIME FOR TEARS AND WEAVES, YOU GUYS, YES- IT'S MAKEOVER TIME.
I anticipated Georgia would cry, and she doesn't let me down, but that might be because she got the Gosselin. FlameOn also cries, but it's justified, considering they chopped off all her lovely red hair into a pixie faux-hawk. I was disappointed, since the only person with a legit-ass weave were Meanut and Angelea, who got a long, sleek ponytail and a blunt banged long blonde do, respectively. Brooke Shields and ArkansasBaby both got the same hairdo- both went from soft, fluffy dirty blonds to chocolate brown and matchstick straight- which looks good on both of them, but doesn't solve the problem of it being the same hairdo. (But at least Brooke Shields' eyebrows make sense now.) Ms. J sagely supervises them shaving Ren's pits, too. (CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP) The undeniably best transformation is Gabrielle going blond and losing a foot of the cherry kool-aid colored lanky mess that was rolling hardcore on her head. CrazyEyes gets a shoulder length curly 'do which allows her to drop the following witticism: "It makes me feel more girly because it's curly. Hey, that rhymed!" Probably the weirdest choice is to bleach GI Jane's eyebrows- and okay, she didn't have hair to start with, but why make her look like Bill Hader playing an alien?
Overnight, about twenty thousand fights break out- Georgia versus Angelea! Angelea versus FlameOn! Meanut versus CrazyEyes! All I have to say about the drama is that a) it should be saved for your mama, b) when ArkansasBaby thinks you're immature and dumb, you've got serious issues. I couldn't care less about their interpersonal drama, but that's because it follows the Real World rules of fighting: 1) shit is said behind someone's back AROUND THE CORNER FROM THEM WHERE THEY CAN HEAR, 2) the two women get up in each other's face because they're on tv and hardcore and from the streets and not there to make friends and not afraid of ______, 3) they go their separate ways and bitch to a like-minded, cowed co-conspirator. ArkansasBaby and I are all in this together.
The episode leaves us with an OMG TYRA MAIL- for a clearly naked challenge. And sure enough, when they get to the shoot, they get to pick a piece of flair and their birthday suit. ArkansasBaby is concerned. No one is shocked.
In the previews for next week- NAKED, NAKED, NAKED, and CrazyEyes further earns her nickname. I may need to stock up on vodka before next Wednesday.
IN CONCLUSION: NEEDS MOAR WEAVES, TEARS
At this point in the show, I have little to no knowledge of or desire to actually learn most of these girls' names. So, instead, like a 2nd grade boy, I gave them rough, knee-jerk, shallow monikers to keep one vapid scarecrow from being confused with another. The ep starts off with a few brief interviews of the "OMG YOU GUYS TYRA GUYS TYRA" variety, which are only notable for the horrifying depth of these ladies' epic girlcrush on the craziest person on the planet. They say "Tyra" with the same creepy devotion that most people save for Edward Cullen. We meet Georgia (who lacks another defining characteristic at this point), Brooke Shields (who actually looks like Denise Richards, but girlfriend's eyebrows are from the Lagoon.) GI Jane (who I admit, rocks the Sinead, honestly.) and Four Eyes (who will be renamed CrazyEyes shortly, for reasons that will be evident.)
Lord Queen Crazy Tyra enters and everyone- predictably- flips their shit. CrazyEyes has a grand mal Tyra Seizure and actually falls down. Their gimmick is fairly amusing, if kind of 2007- Tyra's "myfiercepage" is fairly blowing up with model friend requests, so they have to fill out their profiles- Mr. J will take care of the prof pics and Ms. J will take on the walkpost. (At least they know their target audience.) Mr. J flat out says he doesn't want to be bored- because the girls have had 13 previous cycles to watch and learn. The assumption that they have nothing better to do than watch the previous cycles would rankle, but considering I've lost literal days to that train of thought, I can't really argue with his silverfoxed logic. They're each given three shots with Mr. J to get their photo out and early forerunners are GI Jane and anyone we've talked to previously.
They begin the long process of letting the girls walk for them and letting them shame themselves with their mad love for Tyra. Tyra, as a veteran serious, investigative journalist, immediately asks everyone bizarre personal questions which pretty much leads to the following revelations: ArkansasBaby, so names because she met a nice fellow at church at 16, went on a date and immediately got knocked up, FlameOn, who narrowly avoided being BabyMama2 by dint of her amazing red hair, who got knocked up on a first date at 18, and we find out the Georgia also has a kid. It's MILF season. CrazyEyes, who got called out early for a whack wig ala Halle Berry, professes a deep and abiding lord for Jesus Christ, Shepard of Judea, but cannot count.
This is a finger pointing. How many are aimed back at you? Three? Good. You're ahead of CrazyEyes.
Mean Peanut Head (Meanut, for short), dubbed for her cockatoo hairdo making her head look like this sassy fellow, explains that she doesn't date white men because she's "scared of pink penises" because they look like "raw meat". (I can't even make this shit up.) Luckily, Ms. J has this uncanny habit of expressing all of my feelings about this fresh hell all over her face, because otherwise my head might explode with the conviction that no one one this show is as horrified and bothered about the shit that just happens on this show. There are a number of unremarkable girls, but then there are also a Volunteer Mortician and a self-dubbed "Glamazon" who leads a rich fantasy life that involves a lot of mind-raping dudes for the procreation of the Glamazons (cannot make this shit up), but it resulted in Tyra mounting Mr. J and saying, for posterity, that she "needs male sperm". (CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.)
In the side cuts to the girls sitting around interspersed between horrifyingly bony swimsuit walks, CrazyEyes reveals she'd switch teams for GI Jane who- was raised in a sexually and emotionally abusive cult. She's really well adjusted... but she also brought a hand-drawn pencil sketch of Tyra (if Tyra was a Reticulan and dressed like Erykah Badu.) There are a few more girls, including Angelea of previous cycle tryouts and rage issues who seems to have a solid, cocky hate-on, especially for Gabrielle and the girls seem to view each other as serious competition- because they're both mixed race. There *is* a superficial resemblance, but not enough for the thinly veiled stink eye going around. Trust Fund, who's dead, rich grandmother is surely horrified somewhere and Pinraiser (both are pretty self explanatory) are feeling pretty smug about their cool, relaxed superiority- when in fact- in twenty seconds, after Tyra opts not to friend some models, are both out, possible in Pinraiser's case because she wasn't wearing underwear. Thank you, CW's blur-o-vision. 12 are cut, with 20 or so left and 13 will stay.
I am clawing my face off because we are only halfway through the episode.
The mini-challenge that follows to decide the finalists is actually sort of well done- it's a "What Supermodel are You?" quiz- the girls are given time to dress and make themselves up- to take a photo as their favorite supermodel, which is actually a pretty challenging assessment of their knowledge of the industry. (TOUCHE, TYRA.) There are some flinging around of obscure models' names and some major faux pas- including CrazyEyes trying to do Naomi Campbell and then not knowing anything about her (it's actually pretty easy- just throw a phone at your housekeeper), and Alexandra, the plus size model (or possibly one of the other blonds? They were starting to blur together) painting on a Cindy Crawford mole that looked like Elmira Gulch was green with envy somewhere. (You see what I did there?) But the best of the best was Dumb Tatiana telling Mr. J her supermodel was Megan Fox.
Not a supermodel.
Tyra and the Js run through the profiles, with notable moments such as Georgia's graduation from the Joey Tribiani School of Smell-the-Fart Acting and Ms. J liking Meanut, which resulted in strong D: from all parties watching. But finally- IT IS TIME:
Still-in-the-Running-Toward-Becoming-America's-Next-Top-Model:
GI Jane
ArkansasBaby
Simone the Dumb Duke Kid
Raina Who I Don't Even Know Who She Is Or What She Looks Like
Brooke Shields
Dumb Tatiana
Plus Size Alexandra
Meanut
FlameOn
CrazyEyes (Who took this opportunity to fall down. Again.)
Georgia
Gabrielle
Angelea
You might say,
damngirl, that is only 12! Well, I know that. You'll see. Shut up.
The models are whisked off to NYC only to meet-- Oh, sweet Christ.
This fame grabbing attention whore.
Apparently, six months ago on the TBanks Show, Tyra sold this appearance on the show to the gross little leprechaun like cheap trade to get Perez to even momentarily quit creepy stalking celebrity children. Nice try, T. Also, Tyra presents a hand-picked mystery 13th warrior: Ren. She's a sef-described "free-spirit" which to me always means "whore", which is only worsened by the fact that she says she "cannot be caged". But this chicanery does result in the only redeeming part of this whole show in occurring now:
IT'S TIME FOR TEARS AND WEAVES, YOU GUYS, YES- IT'S MAKEOVER TIME.
I anticipated Georgia would cry, and she doesn't let me down, but that might be because she got the Gosselin. FlameOn also cries, but it's justified, considering they chopped off all her lovely red hair into a pixie faux-hawk. I was disappointed, since the only person with a legit-ass weave were Meanut and Angelea, who got a long, sleek ponytail and a blunt banged long blonde do, respectively. Brooke Shields and ArkansasBaby both got the same hairdo- both went from soft, fluffy dirty blonds to chocolate brown and matchstick straight- which looks good on both of them, but doesn't solve the problem of it being the same hairdo. (But at least Brooke Shields' eyebrows make sense now.) Ms. J sagely supervises them shaving Ren's pits, too. (CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP) The undeniably best transformation is Gabrielle going blond and losing a foot of the cherry kool-aid colored lanky mess that was rolling hardcore on her head. CrazyEyes gets a shoulder length curly 'do which allows her to drop the following witticism: "It makes me feel more girly because it's curly. Hey, that rhymed!" Probably the weirdest choice is to bleach GI Jane's eyebrows- and okay, she didn't have hair to start with, but why make her look like Bill Hader playing an alien?
Overnight, about twenty thousand fights break out- Georgia versus Angelea! Angelea versus FlameOn! Meanut versus CrazyEyes! All I have to say about the drama is that a) it should be saved for your mama, b) when ArkansasBaby thinks you're immature and dumb, you've got serious issues. I couldn't care less about their interpersonal drama, but that's because it follows the Real World rules of fighting: 1) shit is said behind someone's back AROUND THE CORNER FROM THEM WHERE THEY CAN HEAR, 2) the two women get up in each other's face because they're on tv and hardcore and from the streets and not there to make friends and not afraid of ______, 3) they go their separate ways and bitch to a like-minded, cowed co-conspirator. ArkansasBaby and I are all in this together.
The episode leaves us with an OMG TYRA MAIL- for a clearly naked challenge. And sure enough, when they get to the shoot, they get to pick a piece of flair and their birthday suit. ArkansasBaby is concerned. No one is shocked.
In the previews for next week- NAKED, NAKED, NAKED, and CrazyEyes further earns her nickname. I may need to stock up on vodka before next Wednesday.
IN CONCLUSION: NEEDS MOAR WEAVES, TEARS